Never Annoy the Dread Pirate Snape
by blue artemis
Summary: Hermione is captured by pirates and Lucius enlists Severus to help rescue her. This was written for the 2012 SSHG exchange as a gift for hayseed 42.


**Author****'****s ****Notes****:**Many thanks to my alpha reader Kyria of Delphi and my betas Juno Magic and Bunnyhops. You ladies rock!

Lesser Vasa parrots are black. I couldn't resist.

I'm a geek, just in case you haven't noticed. Every time I think of pirates, I see the crew of Captain Picard's Enterprise dressed up and singing Gilbert and Sullivan. I also have a great love of The Princess Bride.

Needless to say, I don't own the Harry Potter characters, the Princess Bride characters or anything written by Gilbert and Sullivan.

**Original ****Prompt****: **1. AU: Hermione is or has been captured by pirates. Snape's job is to track her down, either as a pirate or as a 'maiden in not as much distress as he'd imagine.' Magic may or may not exist. Yeah, I have no idea where that one just came from, either.

* * *

"I can't bloody believe it! All these years, and I have to deal with this? Merlin, the universe must hate me!"

"_Hate __you__!_"

"Shut up, you crazy bird!"

The black Lesser Vasa parrot whistled provocatively at his wizard then cackled.

"I can't believe I faked my own death for this..." Severus Snape muttered under his breath.

A few hours after the death of Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy had Severus Snape ensconced in a small cottage at the edge of his property. He was provided with the best Healer money could procure and all his needs were seen to until he recovered. It had been Severus who had designed the potion that allowed Narcissa to carry Draco to term and Lucius felt he owed Severus more than he could ever repay.

Six months later, Severus packed up and moved to Tortola.

"Why are you doing this, Severus? We will miss you," Lucius had complained.

"I need to find peace, Lucius. I need to find a way to live with myself, and I can't do that here. Because you've been hiding the fact that I'm alive, I can do that. You do understand, don't you?"

"I do. I won't bother you, unless it is absolutely necessary. But you will still be my potions maker, won't you?"

"Find a bird that can make it to Tortola easily or have another set of Vanishing Cabinets made. I still need to eat. Of course I will provide your potions."

Meanwhile the Hogwarts staff had tried to cover up the reason there was no portrait, saying Severus had abandoned his post. That excuse worked for most of the sheeple known as the wizarding community of Britain, as far as Severus could tell. But at the same time it told him that they all must know he couldn't be dead. Up until he had been attacked, he had done his best for the school. Potter had very publicly revealed all that and more. And all of them knew that Hogwarts always honored her own…

Severus sighed and glanced again at the parchment he held in his hand.

_Severus__,_

_I __know __I __promised __to __stay __out __of __your __life__. __But __I __had __a __dream__. __You __will __find __your __heart__'__s __desire __at __the __end __of __the __next __quest __you __under take__._

_Oh__, __and __by __the __way__, __did __you __hear __that __Hermione __Granger __was __kidnapped __by __pirates__?_

_Your __friend__,_

_Sybill __Trelawney__  
_

Severus was about to throw the parchment into the fireplace, when he heard a tapping at his window.

He walked over to admit Lucius Malfoy's eagle owl, bedraggled from its very long flight from Britain to Tortola.

Severus Snape had made a name for himself on the island. He had started a small but specialized business, selling exotic and difficult potions to those in Britain and Europe wealthy enough to meet his price. The local voodoo priestess adored him and his potions.

He was content; it was a peaceful life. Though perhaps a bit too peaceful… A small part of him was yearning for adventures again, the kind he had read about as a child, however, of swagger and swash-buckling and pirates and not of crazy Dark Lords or venomous snakes.

Severus removed the scroll attached to the bird's leg and settled it with some rashers of bacon.

After the bird was settled, he unrolled the scroll and sat down at the table to read it.

_Severus__,_

_I __am __sorry __I__'__m __breaking __my __promise __to __leave __you __alone __as __long __as __you __provided __me __with __potions__, __but __I __have __need __of __you__._

_I __don__'__t __know __if __you __are __aware __of __the __fact__, __but __after __the __war __Hermione __Granger __came __to __work __for __me __and __Malfoy __Industries__. __I __believe __it __was __mostly __to __rub __her __success __in __the __face __of __that __obnoxious __Weasley __who __had __thought __he __was __going __to __convince __her __to __marry __him__._

_Working __for __me __she __has __single__-__handedly __and __single__-__mindedly __changed __the __face __of __modern __potions __industry __and __has __become __very __wealthy__, __as __well __as __adding __significantly __to __my __own __assets__. __The __witch __is __worth __her __weight __in _mithril_. __In __any __case__, __she __has __discovered __an __ancient __tome __which __seems __to __contain __a __cure __for __lycanthropy__. __The __recipe __called __for __winter__-__bell__flowers__. __I__'__ll __be __damned __if __it __didn__'__t __work__, __but __the __effects __only __lasted __for __a __month__. __After __more __careful __research__, __she __realized __the __writer __was __hiding __a __missing __ingredient__. __Not __only __does __the __potion __require __the __winter__-__bell__flower__, __but __it __also __needed __the __bleeding __heart __flowers __that __only __grow __on __the __inside __lip __of __the __volcano __on __Black __Island__._

_Narcissa __could __still __access __the __island__, __and __Potter __gave __her __and __Hermione __permission __to __pick __the __flowers__. __Two __weeks __ago __Narcissa__, __Hermione__, __Potter__, __Lupin __and __Lovegood __all __set __off __to __get __the __final __ingredient __for __the __cure__._

_Unfortunately__, __Potter __had __told __Arthur __Weasley __about __the __adventure__. __That __criminal __son __of __his __found __out__, __and __lo __and __behold__, __he __and __his __band __of __pirates __kidnapped __Hermione__. __What __they __want __her __for__, __we __aren__'__t __quite __certain__; __making __sense __of __that __note __is __a __bit __like __reading __Bella__'__s __mind__. __But __it __sounds __as __if __they __want __to __force __her __to __marry __the __pirate __captain __in __order __to __create __a __dynasty __of __red__-__headed __curly__-__haired __pirates__._

_Please __get __her __back __for __me__, __Severus__. __Narcissa __is __beside __herself__, __they __have __become __great __friends__._

_Lucius__  
_

"Noir, which of the bloody Weasleys went rogue?" Severus wasn't worried about Narcissa or the rest – Malfoys never traveled without emergency Portkeys. He wasn't certain why Potter and the rest of his band of do-gooders weren't doing the rescuing, though. Of course their combined incompetence wouldn't help with that.

Severus could just imagine the scene…

_"__Why __isn__'__t __the __Black __Portkey __working __to __get __us __back __to __the __island__?" __shouted __Harry __frantically__._

"_Because __I __had __to __use __the __Malfoy __Portkey __to __escape__. __Do __you __actually __revel __in __your __ignorance__, __Mr__. __Potter__? __The __Black __Portkey __doesn__'__t __recognize __me __as __family __any more__," __snarled __Narcissa __in __return__. _

"_Then __we __need __to __get __a __rescue __team __together __and __find __a __way __out __there__."_

"_You __can __borrow __one __of __our __yachts__. __Get __yourself __and __your __team __of __idiots __to __France__, __you __can __sail __from __there__." __Narcissa __huffed __as __the __Hero __of __Hogwarts __nodded __frantically __and __left __her __home__. "__That __boy __is __not __the __brightest __of __candles__, __is __he__?"_

"_More __luck __than __talent__, __I __believe__. __I __better __contact __Severus__," __replied __Lucius__. "__Unfortunately __for __him__, __he__'__s __in __the __neighborhood__…"__  
_

Severus snorted. The parrot cocked his head at his wizard but didn't reply to his original question.

Severus shook his head at the lack of response, and started to go through the back issues of the Daily Prophet that he had heaped in a pile.

"Bloody hell! I always thought pompous Percy was ambitious enough to be a Slytherin. I certainly didn't think he'd have enough sense of humor to base himself on a pirate ship."

Severus stared down at both parchments which were lying forlornly on his table.

"Bah! I really should disregard all of this mess. But one thing bothers me –– how did that batty witch know I was alive?"

"_You __should __be __dead__!_" squawked the parrot.

"And you are supposed to be my familiar, stupid. Not my conscience!"

The next morning, after responding positively to Lucius, Severus set out for Road Town and the waterfront.

"With those damned blood wards, I can't reach the island by magical means. I'm going to need a ship!" Snape was muttering under his breath while he strode along the pier. The smells of cooking seafood and the ocean wafted after him.

An attractive young man with blond curls must have heard him. The young sailor scrutinized him – black robed, ugly scar and all – and nodded appreciatively. "Sir! I say, sir, I may have an answer to your prayers."

"What could you possibly offer me?"

"A ship, a crew –– and a reputation!"

"Excuse me?" Snape was trying to figure out if he could get away with hexing the idiot.

"I am Wesley, currently known as the Dread Pirate Roberts. However, I am set to marry the woman of my dreams and I am quite ready to hang up my cutlass and raingear!"

"The Dread Pirate Roberts? Truly?" Snape asked, stunned. Presumably, the Dread Pirate Roberts had stolen a prototype of the Flamel's Philosopher's stone. It was one of Severus's favorite stories as a boy.

"Yes. The original Roberts has been dead for almost a century, of course, but a few acts of truly dreadful piracy are enough to keep the legend alive. You would be the seventh since the original."

Snape grinned. _Maybe __I __should __send __Sybill __a __nice __bottle __of __rum__. __Or __a __rum __cake__. __I __would __never __have __thought __that __batty __old __witch __could __see __more __than __the __dregs __in __her __teacup__._"Very well."

"Wonderful!" The blond man turned to the beautiful but vapid-looking woman next to him.

"Buttercup, this nice gentleman is willing to be the Dread Pirate Roberts. We are free to go!"

"Lovely. Can we go shopping now?" Buttercup asked.

"As you wish!" declared Wesley.

"Oh, I do hope I'm not expected to say THAT." Snape looked horrified.

"No, never," responded Wesley.

"Never?" Snape asked.

"No, never."

Then the parrot cut in, singing in a beautiful baritone. "_Hardly __ever__!_"

Snape stared at the parrot and the grinning blond man in disbelief. "Why couldn't I just stay dead?"

_On __Black __Island__  
_

"Percy, I don't care how isolated I've been or you are. There is no way I'm procreating with you. If I wouldn't have _Ron_, what makes you think _you_are an improvement on the younger model?"

"For Merlin's sake, Hermione. What makes you think you have any better prospects?"

"Who says I don't? I'm rich, famous and smart enough to have learned to play dumb on occasion. I've turned down marriage proposals from Ron, Viktor, Draco and Neville, just to name the ones you might recognize, you pompous idiot. If I'm lacking a bed partner at the moment, it is because I don't feel like having one," Hermione responded.

She remembered all too clearly her last fight with Ron …

_"__I __can__'__t __bloody __well __believe __you __are __going __to __work __for __Malfoy__!"_

"_What__, __did __you __think __I __would __be __happy __at __the __Ministry__? __I __would __get __stuck __in __a __dead __end __job__. __The __world __hasn__'__t __changed __that __much__, __Ronald__!"_

"_You __are __leaving __me__!"_

_Hermione __rolled __her __eyes__. __One __impassioned __kiss __and __a __few __horrible __snogging __sessions __did __not __make __a __relationship__. __But __this __was __Ronald __Weasley __she __was __talking __to__. "__Yes__. __Yes__, __I __am__. __You __paw __me __like __an __animal__, __you __have __no __manners __or __consideration __for __anyone__, __and __the __best __I __can __say __about __your __kisses __is __that __they __are __wet__! __And __you __have __the __audacity __to __ask __why __I __won__'__t __sleep __with __you__?"_

_The __argument __would __have __been __bad __enough __anywhere__. __But __in __the __Atrium __of __the __Ministry__, __after __their __mandatory __NEWTs__, __it __was __like __setting __off __some __of __Fred __and __George__'__s __fireworks __in __the __Great __Hall__. "__You __know __what __really __finalized __it __for __me__, __Ronald__?"_

_Ron __nodded__. __He __was __certain __Hermione __would __say __she __had __been __sleeping __with __Draco__._

"_Your __whinging __about __these __tests__. __The __international __wizarding __community __refused __to __acknowledge __that __Britain __would __allow __uneducated __idiots __to __become __Aurors __and __none __of __them __were __going __to __accept __anyone __without __NEWTs __as __an __apprentice__. __You __don__'__t __deserve __to __be __recognized __as __a __full __wizard__. __You __need __to __earn __it__. __You __needed __to __earn __me__. __You __didn__'__t __do __that__, __either__."_

_Even __Molly __knew __Ron __was __never __going __to __end __up __with __Hermione __after __that__. __To __add __to __her __discomfiture__, __Percy __stalked __out __of __the __Minister__'__s __office__, __flinging __his __official __badge __at __the __guard __and __yelling __that __he __would __rather __become __a __criminal __than __be __stifled __by __official __procedure __ever __again__.__  
_

Now Percy stood there agog and stared at her. "I-I-I thought you were a virgin."

"Oh, let me guess, one of your little pirates found that stupid _Diary __of __Circe_ and you decided you needed a twenty-five year old virgin sacrifice to power your bid for taking over the world?"

Percy turned a shade of puce that clashed horribly with his hair, and Hermione reflected on figures of speech, particularly the one about the progress from frying pan to fire…

_"__Why __do __I __need __all __of __you __to __go __with __me__? __I __can __take __care __of __myself__!" __she __had __demanded __at __the __outset __of __the __venture__._

"_We __know __that__, __Hermione__," __Remus __Lupin __had __replied__, "__but __Lucius __wants __us __along __to __protect __Narcissa__."_

"_Fine__. __But __get __it __through __all __your __thick __heads__, __I__'__m __not __sleeping __with __any __or __all __of __you__. __Got __it__?"_

_Luna__, __Harry __and __Remus __had __all __nodded__._

_But __Remus__' __sigh __had __alerted __her __to __the __fact __that __Tonks __had __still __not __given __up __on __wanting __to__ "__get __a __bit __of __Hermione__'__s __luck__." __And __while __Remus __certainly __wouldn__'__t __mind __a __threesome__, __Hermione __was __definitely __not __willing __to __muck __about __in __someone__'__s __marriage__…__  
_

Minutes later, Percy still didn't know what to say, and Hermione started laughing.

Finally, Percy just glared at her and then stalked out, calling for his first mate, otherwise known as Seamus Finnegan. "She's not a bloody virgin! This is a waste of time!"

"Aye, I know, mate. But she's here, and I've heard she's a tiger in the sack."

"You fool! You knew, and you went along with this in the hopes she would fall in bed with you?"

"Yep. Every guy she's been with has made his fortune. I figured it would be a piece of cake."

Once again Hermione couldn't keep from rolling her eyes. Cake had not been involved, but definitely magic, and thankfully good fortune …

Years ago, Hermione and Luna had been enjoying one of their regular research sessions when they had discovered a book titled: _Luck __and __Sex__, __the __Magical __Way__.__  
_

"I wonder why they won't teach any of this stuff at Hogwarts?" asked Hermione, after paging through the rather erotic text.

"They used to. Then Headmaster Black discovered he could channel the students' sexual energy into the wards. He made it very difficult to teach sex magic. It had been one of the electives prior to that," answered Luna.

"This isn't hard, and it seems to bring extra energy and good luck to the user. So why did Ginny end up in St. Mungo's?"

"Same reason lots of people do. Misusing anything can result in addiction or overdose or whatever you want to call it. Also, sex magic is inherently neutral. If your intent is good, then the magic reflects that. If your intent is to harm or bewitch or enslave, it works like the darkest of the Dark Arts."

Both witches were pensive for a while after that. Hermione vowed to herself to only use the magic for good and to better her and her lover's life.

She couldn't have known where her magic would take that…

"Bloody hell! Now I know why the Dark Lord tortured his minions!" Percy gave Seamus one last dirty look then stalked out of the room. From the hallway he could still hear Hermione giggling.

_Meanwhile__, __back __on __the __pirate __ship __Revenge__...__  
_

"So, boss, what are we stealing today?"

Snape looked at the rather cheerful yet completely disreputable pirate grinning at him with lots of missing teeth. "A girl. Stealing her back, actually."

"Ooh, that Granger girl? I heard those bumbling gits what work for Pirate Percy the Pompous stole her. Looking to get rich quick?"

"What in the hell do you know about the Granger girl?"

"She's s'posed ta be a tiger in the sack and any man what's been with her has made his fortune right quick," responded the sailor with a wistful look. "Not like she'd have the likes of me, but you, Cap'n, I'll bet she'll have you!"

Snape looked thoughtful for a minute, then nodded. "As you were... "

"Bobbin, Cap'n."

"Bobbin, then. As you were."

Severus realized quickly that the crew was delighted to have some real piracy to accomplish. That, and apparently Percy the Pompous was a blight on any pirate worth his swashbuckling.

"Well, Noir, it seems that boy can't manage to do anything properly. I've always wondered if he was really Arthur's. None of his drive."

_Lucius __never __mentioned __Miss __Granger__'__s __becoming __a __good __luck __charm __between __the __sheets__... __But __then __again__, __Narcissa __would __not __be __her __friend __if __the __chit __had __seduced __Lucius__, __or __let __herself __be __seduced__. __She __must __have __figured __out __she __would __not __be __happy __as __another __Molly__. __She __has __made __a __name __for __herself __and __apparently __is __delving __into __sex __magic __as __well __as __potions__. __This __may __be __more __fun __than __I __had __originally __anticipated__.__  
_

Thus, Severus decided to enjoy this adventure. After all, even if Miss Granger wasn't willing to fall into bed with him, he got to be the Dread Pirate Roberts. It was far better than being the bat of the dungeons.

"Cap'n, land ho! Black Island off the port bow!" His favorite pirate hurried to report to him in his cabin.

"Thank you, Bobbin." Snape dismissed him.

Then he checked himself in the mirror of his cabin. Gleaming black dragon hide boots, black leather trousers, a flowing black poet, no, make that a proper pirate's shirt and a black silk bandana capped off his look. He nodded. Maybe his cloak didn't quite equal teaching robes, but he could still billow with the best of them.

When he came on deck, his crew had prepared a rowboat and lowered him and Noir into the water.

"Bye, bye, Cap'n! Have fun storming the castle!" Bobbin called out cheerfully.

The crew was used to unusual orders, so being told to stay on the ship and keep an eye out were easy enough to carry out.

Once he was out of hearing, Snape surreptitiously cast a rowing spell on the oars, so that he could reach Percy the Pompous's headquarters without losing his breath.

The boat pulled up to the shoreline and Severus jumped out, pushing it up the beach and tying it to a nearby palm tree. Then he cast a cleaning and drying charm on himself. He looked down at the map he held in his hand and tapped it, transporting himself to the most likely place for a pirate to have a headquarters. Sure enough, at the top of the bluff overlooking most of the island towered an ostentatious castle.

Snape cast a couple of spells to determine the strength of the wards. "Hmph. He really is pompous. _Finite __Incantatem__!" _With that simple spell, he dropped all the protective spells on the castle. "For Merlin's sake, his brother is a curse-breaker. He should have better wards than this."

Snape drew a deep breath. Then he stormed up the walkway and burst through the tall doors into the castle.

The double doors to the decrepit castle burst open and Snape burst in, sleeves billowing and hair blowing. He surveyed the room as he entered, trying to decide where the worst threat might come from.

Hermione was sitting in an armchair next to the fireplace, laughingly fending off an obvious advance from Seamus Finnegan on his knees before her. Percy was pacing in front of the fire. A couple of nondescript wizards in pirate garb were sitting at the long table playing Exploding Snap.

Snape shook his head. "Really, Weasley – a pirate lair and the most dangerous person in the room is the prisoner?"

Percy's glare wouldn't frighten a Hufflepuff firstie. "You think I don't know that?"

"Good to know that you agree with me. Therefore, hand over the hostage." Snape extended his hand in Hermione's direction.

"What do I get in return?"

"Get?" Severus asked, incredulous. "In return? In Merlin's name, why?"

Percy blustered. "After all I am a pirate. And she's my prisoner. It's a tradition."

Severus rolled his eyes. For a moment he considered hexing Percy and his merry men three ways to Sunday. But they were really too pathetic to make the effort. "Fine," he said. "Just to honor pirate tradition … I don't tell your mother where you are."

"Fair enough," Percy muttered and focused on his scuffed boots.

"Let's go, Miss Granger. I've secured your freedom from... Percival the Pirate."

"Oh, must I? Really? This was just about to be fun."

"Fun, Miss Granger?"

"Yes, I was trying to see how many absurd things Seamus was going to offer me to get me into bed with him."

"Ah. Well, your reputation precedes you. I'm certain my crew of dreadful pirates will keep you entertained."

"Oh, okay. Sounds good." Hermione smiled up at Snape. "By the way, I'm very pleased you aren't dead, Captain."

"Captain?" Momentarily he was taken aback by the form of address.

"You have your own ship, your own crew, and a nice big sword." Hermione smiled. "I don't think Professor fits anymore."

Severus swallowed. "Ah, yes. Well. Let's return to the Revenge, shall we?"

Hermione squealed. "You're the Dread Pirate Roberts? Excellent!"

Severus shook his head. "I should have stayed dead."

"_You __should __be __dead__!_" squawked Noir.

"Why are you grinning at me like that, Miss Granger?"

"You know, I thought your billow was sexy with those overly buttoned robes. But the pirate shirt, wow. And call me Hermione. I am your captive, after all."

"You are my rescue, silly chit, not my captive. As such, you are an honored guest on board the Revenge. And as the Captain of the ship, I shall have to entertain you to the best of my abilities," stated Snape.

Hermione beamed. "Really? And what kind of entertainment can I hope for on a pirate ship?"

"You know, I'm not quite certain, Hermione. Would you like to retire with me to my cabin to see what we might find?"

Hermione threaded her arm through his in response, letting him lead her down to his cabin.

"Let's see, then. There is the wardrobe… and there the table…"

Hermione smiled.

Severus looked at the table. "On the table, there is... a map."

Hermione leaned over his shoulder, pressing herself against him suggestively. "Is there a long way back to Tortola?"

Severus turned his head. He found himself staring at Hermione's lips for a heartbeat. Then he simply kissed her. Passionately. Like a pirate captain is meant to. When they broke apart, he answered, "If there wasn't before, there will be now!"

"And here is the bed!" Hermione giggled as he threw her onto the covers.

She pulled out her wand and with a wave, all his clothes were gone and folded on the dresser – except for his boots, which she admired.

"Impatient, are you?"

"I've been stuck on an island with Narcissa Malfoy and three of my closest friends, up until they all caught a hold of that emergency Portkey, none of whom I have a sexual relationship with. Then I ended up kidnapped, on the other side of the island with Pompous Percy and Seamus the Satyr. Yes, I'm bloody impatient!"

Snape grinned his best pirate's grin and pushed her onto her back. He reached under her skirts and pulled off her knickers. Then he bent over her and proceeded to kiss her senseless.

Long minutes of scorching kisses later Hermione's skirts were completely ruched up by her hips and her blouse was unbuttoned. She was full of anticipation, enjoying the attentions of her ex-professor. She laughed delightedly.

"Am I amusing you?"

"I'm certain you've taken away enough trashy romance novels from your students to know every girl has fantasies. I've always wanted to be kidnapped and ravished by a dashing pirate."

"Who am I to keep you from fulfilling your fantasy," he responded. Then realizing that this adventure had become even more enjoyable, he set about making the witch in his arms writhe in pleasure.

He enjoyed watching her fall apart in his arms at his deft manipulations. "Would you like more, my dear?"

Hermione just spread her legs in response.

Severus took her up on this unspoken invitation and pushed into her slowly. Once he was fully sheathed, he began to move, revelling in the fact that Hermione grabbed a hold of the headboard for leverage while she was bucking up under him, giving as good as she was getting. Much later, when they were both sated, Severus pulled out his wand and waved it over the two of them, cleaning them up for the next round.

Late in the evening Severus remembered that the polite thing to do would be to send a message by Patronus to Lucius. "Expecto Patronum!" he ordered. But instead of the expected doe, out of his wand flowed a silver Lesser Vasa parrot. He stared at it disbelievingly for a moment, before he gathered his wits and told it to inform Lucius that they were going to take the long route back to Tortola.

_Back __on __Black __Island__ …__  
_

"I think you got lucky, Perce," said Seamus after he watched Severus leave the castle with Hermione in tow.

"You don't think I've realized tha—" Percy started to say when the doors to the castle burst open again.

"Give us Hermione back you fiend!" yelled Luna, brandishing a sword. She was followed by Harry and Remus and Tonks, all of them brandishing weapons of some sort.

"That's it. I surrender. Take me back and punish me by making me work for the Ministry again, all right? Torture. Minions. I so get it now."

The four of them shrugged at each other.

"Fine," said Harry. "We would have gotten here sooner, but once Narcissa used the Malfoy emergency Portkey, the Black wards wouldn't let her through. We had to take the long route. Why don't you all pack up and we'll head back to England."

"Darn," said Luna. "I kept hoping I'd be able to poke someone with this sword."

"Took you long enough, didn't it Severus?" asked Lucius, when Severus and Hermione entered his mansion three weeks later.

"We took the long way back."

"It is a straight line from Black Island to Tortola, if you know where to sail," Lucius objected and pounded his cane on the floor for emphasis. "There is no bloody long way."

Severus looked at Hermione, who gave him a saucy wink.

"There is now."


End file.
